UNDERSTANDING ANGER, HOSTILITY, AND RAGE

MOVING TOWARD CENTER

Storge, philia, and eros are the loves we have learned about so far this month. I group them together like this because just as each differs from each other, all three together differ from the love we will discuss today. These three are known as the “Natural Loves,” while today’s is often called, “The Divine Love.” As mentioned in the main blog, Love by Any Other Name Might Just Help! this really isn’t about religion. The Christian church has used our word of the day: Agape, quite extensively over the ages because of its reputation as a “High and selfless form” of love. However, there are universal applications. Here is the chart from that blog:

Are you ready for some lovey-dovey talk today? Let’s check out our word of the day:

How has your week of “storge-ing” gone? Are you more aware of both your willing acceptance of your loved ones’ flaws and any boundaries you need to draw? This week, we are moving on to our next form of love: Philia. See the chart below.

Zaria felt the light before she could see it, keeping her eyes closed for as long as she could. Another day. A sigh reverberates through her body. Rather than rise to face the day, Zee (as she’s known to her friends) wants to stay in bed. In fact, she wants to hide, maybe even disappear. No. No. She cannot allow herself think about why because the tears will come. Too late. Her closed eyes fill and the all-too-familiar ache in her heart begins to well up, threatening to spill onto her pillow. Her cat comes over and nuzzles her nose. The floodgates break. With dread that is palpable, Zee wipes her eyes and begins to pull herself up and push herself out of bed. She knows what’s coming. First, she’ll have to rush to her brother’s house to drop off the book he left at her place last night. She’ll probably skip breakfast like every other day this week. Her stomach moans just thinking about it. Then, she’ll have to run the long list of errands her mother casually texted yesterday without even a “Would you mind?” Then, she’ll be off to the park to pick up her twin nieces. She watches them (for free) three afternoons a week. After that, her older brother “needs” her to take the car in for a wash. Zee runs through all this in her head and starts to feel hopeless. She’s really missing her new boyfriend, but she has had to cancel their last three dates because her parents, cousin, or siblings have needed her so often. Now, she finds herself also wondering when she be able to finish her schoolwork? Will she rest again before her next shift at the hospital? She’s so tired of being a nursing assistant, but she can’t seem to finish her nursing degree because of all the demands her family places on her. As the only single one of the adult siblings, it is assumed (as no one ever asks her) that she can handle everyone’s bits and pieces. Whenever she complains, she is met with eye rolls, pouting, giggles or is ignored altogether. “Come on, Sis! What else do you have going!? It’s family first, after all, right?” Zee just doesn’t know how much more she can take. Does any of this resonate with you? Or do you know someone whose whole life seems dictated by the needs of their family? Has this ever been you? If so, then you are familiar with the “rock and hard place,” the bedraggled Zee faces daily. As we learned in the main blog, love is complicated. It is so complicated, in fact, we have decided to delve into Greek to give several facets of love particular names in order to begin the process of looking at all its component parts. This week, we are taking a look at: Storge. This is the love of family and the familiar. Storge can be one of the most grounding, safe, warm, and comforting loves on earth. When all is well, storge will rescue you on the side of the road at 2:00 am without a bat of the eye (or, at least whatever teasing happens is loving and playful). It sits up with you when you have a fever, searches high and low to buy you your favorite color thingamabob, and even helps you move house, drive to the airport, and organize the garage. Storge does not care how tall or wide you are, how much money you make, what color your hair, skin, or teeth are, or what you choose to do with your days. Fully “as is,” you are loved and accepted. However, as with most things, there can be challenges to this love. The way these usually manifest is when familiar people or family members become overly familiar to the point that common considerations are completely forsaken. When this happens, boundary lines fade (or disappear entirely) and family members begin to take advantage of one another. It is important to understand this as a corruption of this love and not an inevitable outcome. You read that right. No. It is not okay for those closest to us to take advantage of us or each other. This may be shocking to some, so let’s make sure we understand. First of all, we are all used to the lower impact level of this behavior, such as when Auntie Sue leaves a voicemail telling (not asking) you to pick up her dog, Boris, on Friday afternoon and you are pretty sure she knows you have a college class then. This is inconsiderate and even a bit of entitlement. Generally speaking, drawing a boundary or simply saying “no,” ought to be enough. However, when things rise to the level of what Zee is experiencing, when one or more family members is draining us of energy with their many demands (especially for things that are clearly their responsibility or no prior agreement or culture (see below) dictates are known). Most often this occurs without compensation of any form. Maybe not even a “Thank you.” Other examples include being asked to compromise important values, go into debt, or when any form of coercion is employed to get you to comply. As you read that, you may have little trouble agreeing these things are wrong. However, people can be rather crafty and manipulative, and you may not even know what is happening. Unspoken rules of society that we internalize but never quite articulate are not much help either. Think about Zee. Can you imagine how easy it would be for her to justify what is happening? After all, her sister has a lot on her plate. Zee is single, so she “should” be free to watch her nieces anytime, right? Then, of course, her mother gave her life, took care of her for almost twenty years, and now she is older and needs help. It is Zee’s duty to “give back” now, she might tell herself. I mean, she has plenty of time to find a partner. She’s smart, she probably doesn’t need to study too much. Or eat. Or rest… Are you starting to see the problem? Clearly, one of the benefits of storge is the lengths to which people will go for each other and the assurance and safety that brings. So, how do we know when “enough is enough?” Here are a few measuring sticks you can consider. Resentment – Your Good Friend! It is certainly true we will be called on to go the “extra mile” for family members from time-to-time (or maybe even often during certain seasons). This is good, healthy, and necessary for the flourishing of all. We will often feel inconvenienced or even annoyed at some requests. This is to be expected since we cannot always guess when may be called upon or for how long. However, when we go beyond the typical frustrations and move into resentment, trouble may be brewing. Resentment is the “blocking” emotion we feel when we strongly resist doing something for someone else and we start to want to pull away from them (or even develop angry or hateful thoughts toward them). Further, it is the result of when our boundaries are (usually repeatedly and/or intensely) crossed, and we are the ones allowing it. That last bit might be surprising. We tend to think of resentment as being the result when others take advantage of us. Actually, that generally results in anger. When we notice resentment, it is alerting us that we are not guarding our boundaries well. The Double-Standard Test. This one is somewhat straightforward. If you are unsure if something you are experiencing is a problem, ask yourself, “If someone I cared about felt like I do about this exact same thing, what would I say to them?” If you would tell them, “It’s too much!” or “Draw a boundary!” and you would understand if they were unhappy, then hopefully this knowledge will give you the boost you need to do the same. First, Do No Harm . Though connecting with and helping family can cause some level of stress, keeping the “First, Do No Harm” motto in mind can help ensure there is balance. One area this thought may need to apply in particular is with cultural issues. A true and deep discussion of culture is beyond the scope of this article, but it is important to acknowledge there are differences. Those born and raised in the United States who are of European heritage often lean heavily into an individualistic mindset as they grow into adulthood. Family ties may be strong, but each person’s responsibilities tend to focus toward their own needs or the needs of their nuclear family rather than family of origin or extended family. This is, of course, not always the case. However, it is far more often so than with collectivist cultures, where responsibility and attention toward origin and extended family may be significantly higher for one’s entire life. Rather than a pure focus on ethnic culture, though, understand that if your family fits into a structure where family as a whole is of central importance throughout life, the value of this continued focus may allow for more extensive interactions with family overall. However, all of the above information still holds when the demands are coercive, make you sick, or make you feel diminished, unloved, or abused. It is important to find a way to talk to close and important people in your life and let them know how you are feeling. Many times, people are well-meaning and there is simply no awareness of the strain. Entire books could be written on this subject, but hopefully, as you continue to ponder storge and all it means, your awareness of your place in your “family/familiar” will increase and if you find yourself struggling with the demands of said family/familiar folks, you will seek help. Finding a counselor who shares your culture or is highly educated/experienced in your culture may be a priority for some. If that is not necessary or available, any well-trained therapist will likely be equipped to help you examine your values and practice new ways of communicating. Please seek help. The moral of the story is: Make sure to keep washing the robe – and require other close ones to do the same! Come back next week, when we will explore the next facet of love, namely philia. Don’t miss it!

Welcome! If you read the lead blog post for this month, Love by Any Other Name Might Just Help! then you know we will be expounding on four Greek words for love in order to grow our knowledge about this oft misunderstood yet all-important concept. In the main post, we also learned that love is both noun (feeling) and verb (action). It is not something that can exist in isolation, but it develops within a source and is given to/shared with an object. When you love your Mini-cooper, you are the source and the Mini is the object. It may hit you as cold to talk in terms of source and object, but this will bring clarity if you let it. Simply replace these words with whatever you want them to represent as you are reading. Now, you can be both source and object, but both source and object must exist, or love will die. Love need not be reciprocated, but this is often exceedingly painful, even fatal in some cases. If you are feeling as if you are not receiving the love you need, please talk to someone nonjudgmental and/or who is trained to understand this need and can help you learn safe and fulfilling ways to connect. This is so important! Love matters. Love underpins, highlights, and encompasses everything. It is the main ingredient in our search for significance, power, hope, and creativity. Like it or not, when all is said and done, love is what we want more than anything else. Love is also exceptionally complex. Therefore, to deepen our understanding of it, let us begin with our first Greek word: Storge. Recall the chart from the main blog:

English is a goofy language. One can be right or turn right. You can be there, their, or they’re. Perhaps most troubling of all, though, is that one can love their family and their hamburger! The broadness of application of this word in our common vernacular is so vast as to make it pretty close to meaningless! So, to keep you on your toes and to keep your reading fresh, I will depart from the typical science-y focus this month (mostly) and do what I can to lay a firmer foundation for one of the strongest (and most necessary and most misunderstood) forces on the planet: Love. Whether we like to admit it or not, an abundant life requires good and proper doses of love – but what does that even mean? How do we know we have it? What does it look, feel, and act like? If you can love your sister and your favorite key chain, does that say anything at all about either of them? Let’s take a deep dive into this word and see if we can gain some clarity – and maybe even mine a bit more of it in our lives!! Two Parts of Speech It can help to note that the word love can be either a noun or a verb. I know…I know. Whoosh – back to third grade where Ms. Pipenhoffer gave you a bad time for not mapping your sentences properly. Bet you never knew parts of speech would come in handy when it came to love! Love as a noun is, more or less, the “warm fuzzy” part of love. It is all the body sensations and inner “knowings” that indicate love is occurring inside of you. It is the chemical wash and feeling of love – the thing that bonds us and draws us toward something. When acting as a verb , however, love is in action. Care, consideration, compassion, respect, and other words describe love in motion. Love that, as Bob Goff would put it, “Does.” You might wonder why this matters – and you know I’ll tussle your hair and say, “I’m so glad you asked!!” Remember that time your best friend said they’d be away for your birthday, but you found out later they spent the day at the mall? You didn’t talk for months after that, but then she called you and you two are trying to work things out, but you are just not “feeling it?” You value your friendship, and you understand why she did what she did – she didn’t like one of the people at your party and was afraid to tell you. She thought she’d sound petty. Knowing that love can be displayed in your actions and not always in your feelings – and it is still love - can help during a healing process. You also are not required to have warm fuzzies for yourself! You are, however, in need of self-respect and kind treatment from you to…well, you! That is what is meant by all that talk of “self-love” – it isn’t a “selfmance” we’re looking for…just you to treat you with respect and consideration. From Who to What? “Okay, great. Love is a noun and a verb. I don’t have to bubble over with affection for myself – Yay! Good news. But I still don’t exactly know what love is!” Here’s the thing. If you listen only to how the word is used in English, you may never know. A scan of English dictionaries doesn’t even help as that yields everything from “Affection for something” to “Sexual desire.” Yes, love has various components, such as affection, good will, warmth, and various levels of intensity. Are you starting to see that love is complex and nuanced? We English speakers think of love as one thing, but it most assuredly is not. Love is multi-faceted, multi-directional, and is composed and dependent on “source” and “object.” “On what and what now?” To start to break this down so we can get a better idea, there are a few things to know. Yes, you can have love for yourself…but love does not exist without both a source, the one feeling or doing the love, and an object, the person/place/thing (etc.) the source’s love is pointed toward. When I love myself, I am both source and object. When I love my cat, I am the source, and my cat is the object. When your boss loves you, they are the source, and you are the object. Get it? There is no such thing as “source-less” or “object-less” love. Love is something that must be given and received in order to exist. Think on that for a minute. Source love that is rejected by its object is called unrequited love – and it is very, very painful. In everyday language, we usually refer to this as “rejection.” In a post later this month, we will learn how rejection and abandonment differ – so definitely come back for that one! It’s All Greek to Me! We have established that love can be meant as a noun or a verb…a feeling OR an action. We know it must be something that exists within one person (or critter) and given to another and that when it is offered and not accepted, that is very painful. Helpful info, but we’re still dancing around what it actually is. To tackle this problem, I am going to introduce you to some Greek. Greek is fabulous because it has multiple words for love, each of which shows a different nuance of it. I have chosen four of these words to expound on this month, namely:

So far, the attachment styles we have discussed have been based on Organized attachment strategies employed by small children facing difficult experiences. In these cases, whether the issue is neglect/absence of a nurturing caregiver (Avoidant strategy) or an experience of hovering, anxious, and/or invasive caregivers (Ambivalent strategy), the child develops a consistent approach to coping. When young children are met with caregivers that frighten them, the result is fear without solution. The child needs safety and therefore wants to approach the attachment figure. However, as the attachment figure themselves are the source of the fright, there is an equal and opposite pull to flee. When a child cannot flea and cannot find safety, and these situations are intense or happen enough, then the result is a Disorganized attachment strategy. Adults who have relied on these strategies grow up to have what is called an Unresolved Attachment style. This may be a bit unclear at first. Certainly, people with Dismissive and Preoccupied styles have unresolved issues in their lives. However, the term unresolved in this case does not refer to the issues themselves. Rather, you can think of people with Unresolved Attachment styles as not having integrated their memory in a coherent enough manner. If the Avoidant child shuts off their attachment system and the Ambivalent one amps theirs up, the Disorganized youth swings, often wildly, back-and-forth. It can appear like a switch that flips or a wave that rises and falls. There often does not seem to be any rhyme or reason for the reactions, hence the term disorganized. Because of this, these folks tend to have a fragmented sense of self, a “push-pull” manner of connecting to others, and/or may be highly dramatic one minute and flat or shut off the next. People in relationship with those who have Unresolved Attachment styles may report feeling high degrees of agitation, irritation, alienation, fatigue, and other relational stresses. We want to remain very careful not to attribute the disorganized attachment strategy to abuse (a haggard mother who is being abused by her partner may be tearful and shaky and unable to adequately meet their child’s needs, but they are not abusive). Even so, research * does indicate that the brains of these children are significantly different from those with organized attachment. Although the amygdala and hippocampus show dysfunction in all non-secure attachment, for Disorganized children, the actual regions themselves may be underdeveloped. It is important to take a breath here. Recovery will likely be long and arduous and we must honor that. Folks who walk this road are often highly creative, brave, and determined people as are those who walk with them through their healing. The good news is, there is hope for change. Rather than a life of continued misery, with proper, skilled support and treatment for all involved, the outcome can be something called Post-traumatic Growth. In our final post for this month, brain and body techniques that lay the foundation for this valuable work will be discussed. Be sure to return on Thursday to continue this journey together. *This is just one study. There are more.

Have you heard or said any of the following repeatedly in one (or more) of your relationships: “Why don’t you just move on already?” “Why are you getting so worried? It’s not that big a deal!” “I’ve told you a thousand times I love you – what do I have to do to prove it!?” If so, then you or someone you care about may have a Preoccupied Attachment style ( See Word of the Day: Preoccupied Attachment ). The first thing I want to say is – this is absolutely not a character flaw! None of the attachment styles are. We can allow our past to mold our character, but having an overactive nervous system is not your fault. If your house was on fire, there are many unhelpful things you might do to get out safely and no one would blame you for that. If you have a Preoccupied Attachment style, your nervous system spends a lot of time on fire, so to speak. Be patient with yourself and/or your loved ones. Now to the tips for your brain and body. Brain-based Idea A helpful step in working toward a healthier connection with others is to learn to stay in the present moment. This can be your beacon amid the chaos of flooded brains and bodies. In Trauma Takeover , we learned that traumatized emotions could infiltrate the present moment. When this happens, it can be helpful to think of those emotions as little parts of yourself that live “back there.” These are the inner children who needed to use the ambivalent attachment strategies. When they are triggered, they yank you from the present moment and fling you back to their time. Then, they come front-and-center to try to solve your “this minute” problem with their “back then” understanding, perspective, and skill level. No joke. This is a very accurate way of thinking about all of this. The work then becomes re-orienting to the present moment, for only when you are fully “here now,” can you determine where the whole of you is, what may be invading from the past, and how to wisely respond. The first step is to recognize when you are overly activated. In the What Am I Feeling? blog, you will find a chart that includes typical sensations to note for particular emotions. You can start there. Once you are aware of that, consider developing a list of questions that will be easy to remember to help you find your beacon, your way back to the present moment. Here is an example: Activating Event – What Just Happened? Body Sensations – What Is My Emotion? (Use grounding techniques to come back to your body, if needed) Consequent Urge – What Do I Want to Do? Discerning Action – What Is Wise in This Moment? Body-based Idea Since we are talking about staying in the present moment, we must also talk about staying in your own body. Many people with Preoccupied Attachment spend a lot of time dissociated. Dissociation is a brain-based defense where the person feels detached from life and/or their body. The sense of being detached from life, as if nothing is real, is called derealization. The idea that you are not in your own body (maybe looking at yourself from the outside), is known as depersonalization. In order to find your beacon and have whatever you do in the present moment be most effective, you may benefit from grounding yourself. Grounding is a whole-brain and body activity you can do to “re-connect” to yourself. The following are a few things you can try: Reactive Options (When you notice you are already dissociated): 1. Count backwards from 100 by 3s or 7s while breathing deeply and slowly 2. Say the alphabet backwards while breathing deeply and slowly 3. Do a quick body scan, starting with your feet. Wiggle your toes, really feel them. Then, really feel your ankles, shins, legs, hips, so on all the way to the top of your head 4. Engage in bilateral movement – hop from foot-to-foot, tap your left shoulder or leg with your right hand and your right shoulder or leg with your left hand over and over in rhythm for a few seconds, or toss a soft ball back and forth between your left and right hands. 5. For extreme dissociation – hold ice cubes or ice packs in your hands for at least 30 seconds and then put your hands on your face while breathing deeply and doing any of the above Proactive Options (To keep from becoming dissociated): 1. Every even or odd hour throughout the day (or any other way you remember to do it), say the day, date, time, and situation to yourself 2. Develop an Intention Practice – pick an activity you do often or a place you go to several times a day (like the bathroom) and each time you do it/go there, stop, take a deep breath, and state what you just did, what you are doing, and what you are about to do. There are many ways you can return to your own body. The above ideas are referred to as “multi-modal” grounding techniques because each of them require input from many areas of your brain. The more of your brain you use to “come back,” the better! See you next week as we dive into our last attachment style for the month. Week 3: Vocab: UNRESOLVED (Attachment Style)/Coping: Brain – STOP Body – TIP